


i miss you, i'm sorry

by gloomyeji



Category: ITZY (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Heavy Angst, Mentioned Lee Chaeryeong, Mentioned Shin Yuna, Past Relationship(s), Reminiscing, again happy endings are overrated, law student hwang yeji, not minor but not major chaerlia, now she's a radio host, ryujin used to be a composer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:27:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25956721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gloomyeji/pseuds/gloomyeji
Summary: "From someone, under a black heart emoji," Ryujin stops scrolling. Her heart pounds rapidly with no absolute reason. It's funny how the certain emoji is available for millions of those who possess a smartphone, yet only one person pops in mind when she sees it. She's trying not to let the thought surface."Um— they asked, what song would you play if someone who had hurt you or you had hurt is listening at this very moment?"
Relationships: Hwang Yeji/Shin Ryujin
Comments: 13
Kudos: 51





	i miss you, i'm sorry

**Author's Note:**

> tw // alcohol and implied sexual content (sort of).
> 
> an: ⁎⁺˳✧༚ is start and end of a flashback. I SWEAR i write fluff. sometimes. this fic is solely inspired by gracie abram's i miss you, i'm sorry i suggest you listen to the song and a bunch of other sad stuffs on your next queue. apologies for any typos or grammatical errors happy reading <3
> 
> here’s ryujin’s playlist in the story! i listened to these songs while writing :]  
> spotify playlist

Ryujin's head is fuzzy.

No, she's not sick. She's not under the influence of alcohol either. She wishes she is, but how could she? She's stuck at the studio, hosting her radio show after all.

Nights have always played tricks on her. It holds her close until dawn as unwanted thoughts invaded her peace of mind at this time around. Ryujin can't remember why she chose to be on the segment at this hour. Right, she didn't— it was Lia's breaking point of patience after she had to take care of a five-glass-of-bourbon-drunk Ryujin for the fifth time that week.

_"I swear on my Chanel slippers, Shin Ryujin if you do not find something else to do other than getting shit faced every night, I will obliterate you,"_

It doesn't mean she hasn't sneaked to drink during the day. She tried, countless of times, but her best friend was persistent enough to set a pair of eyes on her and prevent her from crossing the tipsy line. Ryujin eventually learns to fraught her drawer with bottles of liquor, that way she can have a little getaway when the pain becomes insufferable at times.

The outro of Lany's Malibu Nights surround the soundproofed studio and Ryujin finally stops putting pressure over her temples, replacing her fingers around her phone instead. She switches on the device to check the time before shifting back to her host character. Eleven fifty. Ten minutes of answering questions and playing the last song of the segment. Ten minutes until she gets to go home.

"That was Malibu Nights by Lany, one my favorite bands," Ryujin said cooly. "I'd play Lany's whole discography but sadly, our time is almost up. I know, my playlist and I are the best late night companion you could ask for, sucks that we only have one song left but until then, I'll be answering some of the questions you sent me, now let's see..."

Scrolling through hundreds of questions on her phone screen, she's just waiting until her thumb stops randomly on its own accord. Over the past months her radio show has grown in number of listeners and popularity. She's been getting tons of feedbacks, and much to her surprise many people dig listening to sad, sometimes bittersweet, slow songs late at night.

Lia's most content to hear the news and Chaeryeong second, well the girl's relieved to see her station heading towards a good direction and content that her girlfriend's content. And Ryujin's happy knowing she's at least made those close to her happy.

"Ryujin-ssi, this is random but do you ever just sleep during song breaks? I love your playlist by the way,"

"Thank you, and that's funny because I haven't. I'd be pleased if I could do that though."

Sleep is an interesting topic. Ryujin doesn't know if it's the factor of adulthood or a mere unhealthy lifestyle but falling asleep before the clock lands somewhere between two and three in the morning seems unrealistic. While many people adore her show and praise her playlist for being the ultimate lullaby, Ryujin rather keeps herself occupied during song breaks.

With thoughts, of course. She doesn't have much of a choice either.

"This one is from Julia," She let out a breathy laugh upon catching her best friend in the sea of sent questions. "Chaeryeong's not pleased you played Julia for me earlier, people are speculating we used to be lovers,"

Ryujin made a face, "People, dating Lia would be a nightmare, but score, pissing my boss is my exact intention. Don't fire me please."

"Now we have another one from Yoo Jeongyeon.. it's kind of a thank you?" She says hesitantly and goes to read the question. "Thanks to your radio show, my girlfriend has been finding excuses to go on late nights drives and listen to your playlist. She told me she couldn't listen while we're in bed because _it hits different,_ what does that even mean? I would blame you for the lack of sleep I'm getting, but you have undeniably great taste in music so we're even,"

She found herself laughing softly, picturing two souls wandering at night, possibly bickering during the whole drive. "Well Jeongyeong-ssi, I'm glad that you don't hate my guts. If it makes you feel better feel free to send me your favorite songs, I don't play requests often but I can make exceptions every now and then, oh and tell your girlfriend she's cute."

"This one's from—"

"From someone, under a black heart emoji," Ryujin stops scrolling. Her heart pounds rapidly with no absolute reason. It's funny how the certain emoji is available for millions of those who possess a smartphone, yet only one person pops in mind when she sees it. She's trying not to let the thought surface.

"Um— they asked, what song would you play if someone who had hurt you or you had hurt is listening at this very moment?"

"That's specific," She unknowingly mumbles.

Ryujin lapses into silence, the question weighing her down. She perfectly has the answer, she's had the song in her playlist for long now. However, announcing what the song actually means to her feels like opening a personal, vulnerable page of her life for the world to read. Then her playlist will be an open book with a hidden story within and Ryujin is sure anyone would understand if they look thorough enough.

She's not certain whether she's up for that possibility but surely, there isn't a thing she's better at than pushing her own limits.

Ryujin clears her dry throat, the studio has been silent for some time, her listeners must've thought there was a disruption in her broadcast signal or switch into different stations if they're smart enough.

"Sorry— well since it's our last song, I'll give what this listener wants. Here is to she, who I've hurt and have hurt me, if you're listening right now— this is I Miss You, I'm Sorry by Gracie Abrams."

⁎⁺˳✧༚

Ryujin remembers the first time she met Yeji. Witty and ambitious, like how many fresh graduates were. She remembers bits and pieces of nervousness fitting the latter's visage, slender fingers withering between the bottom of her skirt, and she remembers thinking how irresistibly and utterly beautiful Yeji was.

Of course she remembers— in those moments Yeji would shyly smile at her feet and Ryujin would imagined the latter being hers. She can't exactly forget tripping in her uncle's office as her mind was hopelessly occupied by the imaginary of a certain woman with a pair of breathtaking cat eyes.

She only hadn't known that a month after their first encounter, she would've had Yeji's mouth parting hers perfectly under a sky full of glimmering stars. And if Ryujin is able to remember every little bits of those then the happy memories they shared a year after, are most definitely ingrained in her brain. Vivid and startling.

Gray skies, gray roads, and gray concretes. Yeji was the only color she had seen for a whole year. Back when Ryujin was head buried deep in the palm of her hands as she was helplessly stuck at interning in her uncle's newspaper company, Yeji was there to save her from losing her sanity. She briefly recalls the time Yeji fetched her during lunch break and drove to the nearest park. Hooded lids teasing the bright brown of her irises as the sunbeams poured through narrow openings of the clouds, bathing her porcelain skin.

"What do you want?" Was the question that first slipped out of Yeji's mouth as they trudged through the path lined with deciduous trees. The older had been hopping on and off benches along the track while the younger firmly held her hand and stayed on the even ground.

Ryujin's answer was sickeningly sugarcoated, with a loopy smile on her face and her lips meeting the back of the cat eyed beauty's hand in a feathery kiss, "Right now, you more than anything, but I gotta head back in a few babe."

"I mean— what do you _really_ want? What do you dream of becoming Ryujin?"

Yeji's actual question left Ryujin dejected. It was a simple question that should evoke a simple answer. Her mind, however, was far more complicated. Yeji stared at her with softness and patience, and Ryujin could see the outlines of her future in those chocolate pools.

"Anything but what I'm doing right now," She answered after some time. "Anything but that and— music."

"Then stop. You never wanted it in the first place." Ryujin had never agreed on something so quickly.

"Okay." She learned to adore the mole on the bridge of Yeji's nose that afternoon. The latter's eyes crinkled as she smiled exuberantly, spinning in her heels to clasp onto the younger's neck. Ryujin's heart thundered when Yeji bent over and hovered above her lips, only to voice out her idea. "Let's go on a road trip."

There was a tingle in her stomach to pull Yeji on top of her and kissed the life out of the girl right then and there. And she did, for she absolutely loved the way 'road trip' rolled over Yeji's tongue. That day— her uncle perhaps broke the record of most missed calls in one day and other interns worried for her but Ryujin couldn't care less. She was driving out of town with the woman of her dreams, she had better things to care about.

#

"He liked the sample I sent him."

Two months passed after their little road trip. Her uncle had informed her not to show up at his company the morning after, which she replied with an ecstatic thank you. The proud smile that grazed her girlfriend's lips felt as if she had won an achievement. Yeji affirmed that she indeed did, _"Road to reaching your passion baby!"_

Ryujin has been writing songs ever since she was twelve and fell in love with composing the moment she had been introduced to it in high school. She began to notice how she felt most alive in studios, where her hands danced and twirled magically over the strings of guitar, keys of piano, and most of all, over her laptop.

She thought about the long run, and the picture of being a well-known composer sent tingles to the pit of her stomach. This had to be it— her passion _,_ what she had _dreamed_ of becoming. Yeji being thoughtful and supportive as always, offered to send the demos she had been working on for months to big entertainments, and who was Ryujin to feel conscious when Yeji was looking at her so earnestly.

So when she spilled this information over dinner, after a dreadful week of impatiently waiting, the takeout in Yeji's hands was immediately neglected. "He liked my stuff and invited me to the company, tomorrow, at noon,"

"Oh my god.."

"Yeah.."

"Oh my god!" Ryujin felt happiness filling her to the rim as Yeji leaped into her arms, enveloping her in the biggest and warmest hug. That night, she understood what having someone to share her happiness truly meant.

"Wait, I have some news too!" The cat eyed beauty beamed under the yellow kitchen light, detaching from Ryujin's body to lock their eyes. "Remember when I said I was thinking of getting a master degree?"

She bobbed her head surely, "Of course, you ranted on the phone every night how could I—"

"They offered me a full scholarship. They were impressed by my grades and I get to transfer to the best law school in Seoul."

Ryujin wasn't sure if her heart was thumping properly, but the excitement coursing through her blood was unreal. She was genuinely happy for her girlfriend— her woman. And when Yeji's palms found her cheeks, gazing at her with a joyful smile, foreheads connected, eyes lustered with contentment and curtained by curled lashes— when Yeji's lips met hers in a firm and thrilling kiss. Ryujin was sure she was going to keep her forever.

"You did it baby, congratulations," The older whispered against her lips.

"No," The corner of her lips tugging upwards into a fond smile. "We did it."

#

They did it. But of course, there had to be an inevitable price to pay.

Conversations dwindled as time went by and meetups weren't as often as they wished. Ryujin spent most of her days in the studio as the company had entrusted to handle their soloist upcoming album in Spring, which was in four short months. Meanwhile, mastering law had eaten up most of Yeji's free time with dictionary-thick textbooks.

That was the case for _most_ days. On rare days, Ryujin left the studio early and scurried to the cat eyed beauty's apartment. Yeji in a pair reading glasses would welcome her, drawing her in by the hand, to the latter's bedroom, whispering wary I miss you's in a moment of pure longing as they padded their way to the bed.

The younger's bicep was used as pillow for the older's head to rest on while her other hand traced shapes over Yeji's rib cage. The cat eyed beauty curled into her, hands resting on Ryujin's heaving chest and stroking the strands of her hair. They lay in complete silence for hours, both too fatigued to vent on how their days went. Snuggling in each other's warmth was a mere hope to make up for the lack of closure.

"I really, really miss you," Yeji would every so often admit in a soft voice. Ryujin would miss the way her heart ricocheted at the confession, hence, the yearning took over her emotions. She rather felt heavy. Sometimes Ryujin reciprocated those words, and sometimes she sent her a scorching kiss instead.

This time— she said something different, "I don't want you to keep missing me, nor do I want to keep missing you,"

"I want you around Yeddeong. Always."

She hadn't expected a fond, knowing smile to form on the older's lips. "I'm glad you think that way because I was about to ask you to move in with me.."

"If we want to work this out then I wanna do this the right way, with you by my side every morning and night. What do you say?"

Ryujin was shy and tentative in a sudden, despite her insides soaring to say yes in twenty languages, "Are you sure?"

"I mean, I would love that more than anything but are you?"

"Of course, I want this forever Ryuddaeng. I promise."

She sealed it with a gentle kiss on the forehead and Ryujin thought no wrong of keeping _forever_ in her heart. She had faith that moving in Yeji's apartment would connect their missing dots— that it would end with them living a fairy tale together. Ryujin knows now, that she should've known better.

#

They were forgetting something.

Moving in wasn't as facile as they claimed, and it definitely wasn't as lovely as they thought it would be. Falling asleep and waking up next to the love of their lives wasn't everything when it was _all_ they ever did.

Any relationship would crumble without proper communication and Ryujin had let it slipped past her mind, trying to convince herself that the weight on the left side of the bed was more than enough for the temporary circumstances. Because at the end of the day, they would find their ways back to each other, right?

#

_"Are you coming home tonight?"_

Ryujin's slumped shoulders tensed, avowing her gaze on the unfinished draft in front of her. She's always been terrible at keeping track of time. For instance, it was morning when she arrived, then hours and hours of recording, and before she knew it, the time on her phone screen glared at her the same time Yeji's name popped up. It was slightly before midnight.

Quietly, she sank her teeth into the bottom of her lip and croaked out, "Yeah, I'll be home late though. Don't wait for me,"

 _"Late? Ryujin, it's already late.."_ There was a layer, a deeper meaning lurking in Yeji's tone that Ryujin refused to divulge.

"I know, I'm sorry.." She mumbled. She didn't know if she quite meant it the way Yeji wanted her to. "I have to send three tracks by tomorrow and the last one is still undone."

She heard the latter sigh ever so softly, _"How many more hours until you're finished? It's getting harder to sleep on my own now,"_

Two, if an inspiration magically struck. Three. Perhaps even four. "Soon— I'll be done soon,"

"Baby I hate it too, but I'll be there before you wake up so don't worry, okay?" She tried to reason sweetly. All of her was hoping that Yeji wouldn't make a noise of protest. The older wasn't the only one losing sleep, with having to finish twelve songs in such a short period of time, sleep became a fleeting chore. She didn't have the time and patience to banter over trivial things.

_"Okay,"_

Ryujin missed how it was a half-hearted answer.

"I love you," It was the only truth spoken during their whole conversation. "Sleep well Yeddeong, I'll see you at home."

_"Yeah, I love you too."_

#

It was 4AM when Ryujin sneaked inside their unlit apartment. Every single of her muscle was giving into gravity, she had no intention of shedding her clothes. She felt beyond tiresome, dull even. The only thing alive was the silent tore in her chest when stepping inside the crisp bedroom, being instantly greeted by her girlfriend's scrunched back.

Heaps of law textbooks were scattered on the empty side of the bed. Pages highlighted in various colors and filled with sticky notes. Ryujin's feet ambled towards the sleeping woman, neatly placing the books on the nightstand before slipping into the vacant space. Careful enough not to wake the other. She pulled up the duvet over them and rolled toward Yeji, gently draping an arm on top of the older's slender waist.

As if she heard the rustling of sheets, Yeji whined subconsciously in her sleep and turned to face Ryujin's front. She caught the wrinkle in the cat eyed beauty's brows before she nestled her face into her neck. Ryujin adjusted to maximize her own comfort along with pulling Yeji's body closer until it was flushed against hers.

She sighed longingly then planted an open mouthed kiss on top of the older's head. A lingering haze of sleep was coming to her reach and Ryujin ignored the brittle voice at the back of her head, wondering why she felt Yeji slipping away even when she was holding her near.

#

A week flew by and it was Ryujin's turn to worry. The time she was given the time to leave the studio early, she came home to a lifeless apartment. What was worse was Yeji's phone being out of reach.

Ryujin was a protective person, she worried deeply and would risk everything to keep those important to her safe. In this case, her girlfriend. Ryujin discovered something that day: her newfound strength in sprinting through every square of the apartment complex and a potential talent in racing.

It was hopeless when she knew she was lost in an unfamiliar faculty building. Rummaging through her contacts was even more heartbreaking, realizing she couldn't ask any of Yeji's friends because she hadn't had a clue about any of them. The older never talked about making new friends— more likely she hadn't been there to listen.

Ryujin was choking on her own breath. The emotion coiling inside was insipid. She didn't know how many details she had missed by then, but the drive home was a blur. Eerie thoughts fulfilled her mind and Yeji was still not answering. 

_Please. Please, pick up the phone._ The phrase kept replaying at the back of her head like a broken record.

#

The presence of the silver haired woman burned through her. Ryujin entered the apartment, packed with concern, bathed in sweat and short out of breath, to the sight of the woman she had been on a search for hours.

Ryujin could've abruptly pulled her into a tight embrace, she could've kissed and told her how she felt a clog in her chest when she came home to a vacant apartment. How she hadn't been breathing properly since the older was out of reach.

She could've done it all if it wasn't for the aloofness radiating from the woman. As blank as a paper, unfazed by the younger's barging into their shared space.

"You didn't answer any of my calls," Ryujin mumbled, voice cracking a little.

There was a brief silence among them. Yeji didn't look like she was thinking of an answer either, she merely casted her eyes down to her feet. "Sorry, I fell asleep at the library, my phone died,"

"You could've told me you were going to the library beforehand,"

"I was in a hurry," Yeji shrugged nonchalantly.

"Still, you could've texted me," Ryujin said exasperatedly. "It doesn't even take a minute for gods sake."

The cat eyed woman puffed out a sigh and tilted her head up just enough to look Ryujin in the the eye. For the first time in eleven months they've been together, Ryujin couldn't decipher the emotions hidden behind those irises.

"Look, I didn't know that you'll actually be home—" Yeji reasoned. Ryujin had gotten angry. "That has nothing to do with you not informing me where you went!"

"It does!" Yeji shrieked, rising from her seat. "What good will a text do, Ryujin? You won't even fucking see it."

She bit her tongue at that. "That's not true,"

"I don't text someone just to have them reply to me every five hours— or not at all," The older snarled.

"So, you'd rather say nothing at all?" The younger snapped back. "It's not like I'm ignoring you on purpose, you know that more than anyone else Yeji. I am trying. You are the first person I check on when I have the fucking time, but you'd rather have me worried sick to the bones? You'd rather have me searching on for you like a madman?"

Ryujin shoved a hand frustratedly through her messy blue locks, "You're my girlfriend, you're suppose to tell me all that stuff!"

"And you're my girlfriend too!" Yeji cried out just as loud. If not even louder.

Ryujin watched the enraged woman stormed at her, halting once they were toe to toe. Yeji's eyes were stormy as she harshly gripped the hem of the younger's shirt. "I shouldn't be so fucking lonely all the time because you're suppose to be there for me!"

Ryujin felt the pit of her throat tightened. Yeji's whole body was trembling against her, almost like she was on the verge of dropping to her knees. The younger wrapped a secure arm around her waist and didn't let her.

Ryujin's lips parted and Yeji's hands squeezed tighter. She couldn't seem to find the right words to say. The faint light caressing the older's skin gave out the layer of hurt and yearning hidden within her facade. Words suddenly died in her throat. This was getting more and more painful.

They needed to talk. They should've talked.

However, Yeji pulled her in and crashed her lips onto hers so hard that everything surrounding them became a blur. Ryujin whined, they hadn't kissed in forever. She really, really should've stopped, but Yeji's tongue was begging for entrance, then slipping into her mouth and deepening the kiss before murmuring a broken _I miss you._ And who was Ryujin to resist when she missed the older woman equally? Perhaps even more.

She had no such strength when Yeji softly moaned into her mouth as her hands slipped underneath the cat eyed woman's sweater, squeezing her bare waist. And when Ryujin's back hit the door— all inquiries vowed to leave her head. Only one afterthought remained, idle and quiet: how long were they going to let lust blur the line between them?

Ryujin had a feeling it wouldn't be the last time but didn't mind if they were to keep doing it anyway. It hurt less this way.

#

"You're late." Were the words that welcomed Ryujin the moment she stepped inside the apartment, dashing to the kitchen.

"You didn't text me today." Was her low reply.

The woman who was scrubbing plates under a running faucet, let out an annoyed sigh, "There's no need, I didn't go anywhere today,"

Ryujin's sigh was rather long and showed exhaustion. Yeji was being pissy, but she knew the older wouldn't have such attitude if she had showed up during dinner. They had come to a mutual agreement the week prior, for the younger promised to come home not later than eleven, in return, Yeji cut her textbooks some slack.

And the past five days had been going pretty well despite conversing still taking a toll on both of them. They became less patient and more peevish with each other but no one strayed from their promises, not until tonight.

She leaned on one of the counters and said, "A 'Hey, how's you day?' would be nice actually,"

"Could've texted me first if you want to,"

"Yeji.." She warned. "We've talked about this."

They had come to a mutual understanding as well, how Ryujin urged Yeji to text her first whenever she had the time, hence, the younger had grown forgetful over her hectic schedule.

Yeji hummed, sounding sarcastic, "Yeah, I know, but you couldn't have forgotten everything, could you?"

"I'm sorry, it wasn't my decision to re-record some parts, there's nothing I could do about—"

The clatter of a plate clashing into the bottom of the sink echoed through their quiet apartment and Ryujin's feet almost took her rushing to the woman. "You're making up excuses. The least you could do was tell me, call me or whatever. I just want you home on our anniversary, is that too much to ask for?" Yeji asserted, tone an octave higher.

 _Anniversary._ Right, how could she forgot?

"Yeddeong.."

"You don't even remember."

Ryujin pinched the bridge of her nose, breathing in roughly, too gaunt and exhausted to muster a stronger reply. "I'm sorry."

She saw the older shrugging lightly then spun on her heels to face the younger with an unreadable expression, "I figured. Your dinner is on the table, I'll go to bed now,"

"I'm so sorry, can we talk please?" Ryujin tried to ask in the softest tone. The answer she received was frigid instead. "Can't. Have to study, exam week starts tomorrow and I already wasted two hours eating dinner alone, waiting for you to come home."

Ryujin pushed herself off the counter loose, defeated eyes searching for Yeji's glacial ones as the latter whisked by. The younger caught her wrist before she could disappear into their room. The older halted, flashing a questioning look.

Ryujin sighed and brought one hand to cradle Yeji's face so tenderly, "Please don't do this.."

She didn't know other cards to pull. Usually, Yeji would be the one to start, but it was all she had known. This was all they had been doing for the past three weeks. So, without further thought Ryujin placed her other hand on Yeji's hip and slowly leaned forward to capture the latter's lips.

But Yeji ducked her head sideways before she could close the gap between them. Placing her palm on top of Ryujin's chest, gently pushing her farther, and looking through her with those eyes. God, those eyes, she wondered how the pair went from being the warmest and brightest swirls of chocolate pools to this. Tedious.

"I'm not in the mood." The woman last muttered before vanishing from her sight.

Ryujin's heartbeat faltered. They should've talked many nights ago.

#

She can't remember the last time they exchanged I love you without partings.

It was mostly ‘I love you’ then Yeji hung up. ‘I love you’ then Ryujin left for work. ‘I love you’ then Yeji went to her classes. ‘I love you‘ then they stopped texting each other and went back to their own world.

It was never ‘I love you’ after comfort hugs, after slow and passionate kisses, after getting lost in each other's eyes. And it never occurred to Ryujin to simply let those three words float during the time they least had together.

It went on for quite some time, to the point where it felt like a propensity and the next time she braced Yeji in her arms and blurted, "I love you,"

The woman's reply was laced with an indescribable feeling she couldn't pinpoint. "You too." Yeji mumbled drowsily after a brief deafening silence.

Ryujin thought no wrong of it, but looking back, she grasps the moment as the turning point of their relationship.

#

The long awaited day had come and she was over the moon. Her heart resembled the golden illumination of a sun that never dies, whistling and soaring, like a gladiator flaunting their victory. The album she had been the brain of was finally packed and finished, the few people left in the studio cheered along her. Each song sounded just right and it left her satisfied.

Ryujin felt an incredible weight lifted off her shoulders. Things were starting to line up in the way she wanted. Life would be nicer, she thought. Impatient to share the dazzling news with her girlfriend, she phoned her immediately but to no response. Ryujin went for three paragraphs worth of texts instead which Yeji replied fifteen minutes later.

**_Yeddeong <3_ **   
_Congratulations Ryuddaeng.. I'm happy for you and beyond proud, you have no idea._

It might have been short, but Yeji called her by sweet the nickname she gave many months ago. She called her Ryuddaeng and it was enough to make her lips curl in utter contentment.

 _This is it,_ she thought. _This my chance to fix us._

The possibility made her insides blossomed with anticipation. Politely refusing the invitation of a celebration, Ryujin found herself speeding home, a wide smile carved onto her face as the view of blooms kissing the sky boldly saturated her sight. The soft and diffuse spring sun glowed over her dashboard. The picture of a certain cat eyed woman burning in her head the whole time.

When Ryujin waltzed in the apartment as exuberant as ever, Yeji was the first thing she had seen, seated on the couch patiently as if she had been counting the hours until the younger came home. And she had— just not in the way Ryujin interpreted it.

She had imagined Yeji to be thrilled, or relieved at the very least. However, the look in Yeji's face was avoidant and the slump in her shoulders looked heavy. When Ryujin caught those glossy eyes, the smile on her face was washed away in an instant because they were most definitely, wet from sorrow. She bit her lip, pretending she hadn't had a guess where this was going.

"Let's take a break."

She pretended not to hear the latter.

#

Ryujin felt an ache where Yeji used to lay on, the left side of the bed had never felt emptier.

Four weeks had never felt so long.

Moving out was certainly not as easy as moving in. It was the picture of Yeji's apartment ingrained in her brain, not the unfurnished flat she was renting. Ryujin coyly turned to the empty space with a blank expressionless stare, wishing she could have taken the break as well as it actually was for them.

The past months had taken a toll on their lives and it was the perfect time to heal and grow as separate individuals. They hadn't had a proper talk. The talks they had been having were most of the time small and under cups of cold coffee. The chance narrowed as it took one's courage to catch up and they were both struggling in that department.

Yeji was whisked away by how stressful law school was, the changes in the girl's features was discernible. Purple bags. Pale skin. Tired eyes. _Living alone isn't exactly pleasant,_ Yeji told some time after they parted. Ryujin hadn't agreed with the latter for a long time, living alone was haunting.

Sometimes, she saw snippets of Yeji's smile after she awoke and before she slept. Sometimes, she laid flat on her back with a weight on her chest, imagining it was Yeji's head instead of the absence tugging her down. She wondered whether Yeji felt the same unbearable absence. 

She was hearing every hurricane, every word that Yeji had uttered, their apartment cacophonous with every raising tone. Then she heard weak whispers of sorry's, Yeji's tears on her neck as she cloaked the latter in her arms, sleeping the pain away. Ryujin knew she shouldn't but God, did she miss fighting. It was desperate, but she would rather fight than having to spend more nights apart.

Grumbling, Ryujin tossed to the other side, staring at a blank space was agonizing. Restless, she gazed at a canopy of luminous stars scattered among the ocean of blackness through the window. Some flickered, some dazzled. Some whispered her name, and some caressed her skin. 

Ryujin liked to think herself as the night sky, blanketed with endless darkness without much source of light guiding her way. She once had the brightest star by her side. Radiant and scintillating, and Ryujin loved her for being her torch in a never ending bleak tunnel. But the light had been diminished. Ryujin had lost her brightest star and she was left to merely wonder about what went wrong.

The vibration of her phone interrupted her train of thoughts. She glimpsed the contact name, a glum smile unconsciously painting her lips.

_Yeddeong <3_

She didn't have to think twice to accept the call. And after a long time, Ryujin's smile widened as the first thing that rang through her ears was Yeji's wobbly voice, whispering, _"I miss you."_

_#_

It was _I miss you_ the night before and _I can't do this anymore_ the day after.

"Ryujin, I love you, but—"

"I think it's best for us to end it, for good this time."

Ryujin couldn't understand Yeji for showing up at her doorstep too goddamn early in the morning only to stash the wound they had endured for so long. Void was her heart as she felt the tears physically stabbed her cheeks. Each tear falling to the ground was each memory they ever had dissolving.

Yeji was also crying but why— why did she look like in a lot less pain?

The picture still burns in Ryujin's head until this very day. Of course, how could it not? In those moments she watched everything she had devoted to, built, and loved so dearly turn her back on her and left. Forever. She guessed this was the _forever_ that Yeji promised about.

All wrongs that she had pondered for the past month came in like waves of shards, gruelling and sharp with dull edges. Must've been how she had been easily fooled into thinking that a future was still stored for them.

She despised herself for being too afraid to see thoroughly, all this time. Afraid of closure, afraid of hurting even more. Hurting for the lost of reason to breathe even though it ought her to be selfish, because God, while Yeji was her oxygen, Ryujin couldn't be hers.

And Yeji had enough of not being able to breathe. This was her last straw. Ryujin wasn't the only one hurting and Yeji made it clear. Yeji was gone and there was no other to blame but herself.

Ryujin once imagined Yeji as hers, now she has come to the moment where Yeji was no longer her woman, no longer hers.

She's still trying to accept it.

#

Ryujin's drunk.

She's really _really_ drunk. The aftertaste of alcohol imprinted on her tongue as her eyes swiveled towards the back of her head in a distress sense of a headache, but she didn't stop. No, she never stopped. She downed in another drink, and another, and another, her whole weight underpinned by a teetering elbow.

The liquor burnt her throat and it was pitifully painful for her to swallow, however it was one ticket to momentarily forget everything— forget Yeji. Being drunk meant being a _little_ distracted which was good because when she returned back to reality, she would only saw her own stance, forsaken as the love of her life walked away, over and over again like a broken DVD.

Luckily, Ryujin found her savior these days, such as the infuriated woman clutching onto her waist as they tottered their way out of the pub. For the fifth time this week and probably, for the hundredth time in the last four months. She didn't quite know her best friend had this length of patience, Ryujin was known as the short tempered one, however Lia was far more peevish.

It stunned her how Lia often sacrificed a spare three to four hours of sleep and drove to wherever pub she was wasted at. It stunned her even more because Lia never drove, if asked, the latter would answer, _"Why would I? I have my Chaeryeong for that."_

Yet, here she was, holding her drunk of a best friend at dawn.

"I swear on my Chanel slippers, Shin Ryujin if you do not find something else to do other than getting shit faced every night, I will obliterate you,"

Ryujin shrugged, her vision blurred as she rested her head on Lia's shoulder, and that was about as much of a reply she would ever get. "Ryu, will you ever listen to me? You can't keep doing this, you promised me you'd at least try to compose again,"

"Can't.." She said wearily. "Tried, but can't,"

Lia groaned in frustration, reaching for a wall to lean their weights on. "Whatever, I already begged Ryeong to set up a late segment for you on her station, and no, there's no room for disagreement."

Ryujin's lips formed into a pout and held onto Lia's shoulders tighter, more dependent, making the older almost stumbled. "Ryu, you're gonna fracture my neck!"

"You're a big meanie," The younger babied. "I don't want to work with Chaeryeongie, she hates me!"

Lia let out an amused chuckle before lightly slapping her best friend's back, "Of course she does, you're the reason her girlfriend goes missing at three in the morning,"

"I am?" She questioned innocently, a glint of mischief in her lidded eyes.

"I hate you,"

Ryujin's mouth cracked into a loopy smile at the confession, "You love me," She slurred closely.

Lia's face distort as the underlying smell of alcohol entered her nostrils, "Right now, I love you the least,"

"You still love— fuck, I don't feel so good,"

The change of Ryujin's expression made a change in Lia's too, concerned and frantic, head whipping towards every direction and fortunately, there was a convenience store just right in the corner. "Okay, okay, don't throw up on me. Let's get you some water, alright?"

She nodded weakly, hand holding onto her awfully throbbing head. Lia thought of sprinting to the store on her own, but the risk of leaving her drunk best friend alone was too high. Therefore, with all of the strength she could muster, she supported Ryujin on her feet and landed quick and careful steps toward the store.

It was then, on their sixteenth step when Lia felt Ryujin breaking in her arms. She knew she had lost Ryujin for the night when a tall figure shoved off the glass door and halted before them.

Ryujin didn't think it was possible for the bourbon in her system to wear out in a snap, but it did, the moment the woman of her past, the love of her life, her oxygen, stood in front of her. After four insufferable months, Yeji stood idly with a plastic full of snacks in her grip, her hair freshly dyed into platinum blonde with aqua and light pink streaks at the end.

She would have said Yeji was unearthly beautiful, but her painful visage masked it all.

She started to feel nauseous, but in no way of hurling. She was sure it wasn't the alcohol, but she wasn't sure if it was due to the guilt layered with a concern look in Yeji's eyes or the heavy embarrassment welling up inside. Her knees weakened, for the world knew it had only been ten seconds and tears had already pooled in the corners of their eyes, Ryujin staggered.

"Ryu," Lia said worriedly, tightening her grip around Ryujin's waist to keep her balance. Lia swore she caught Yeji's burning gaze lingered on her arm longer than it should.

Yeji took a reluctant step, her lips parting anxiously, "Do you need help?"

Lia shook her head with a tight lipped smile, "We're fi—"

Then Ryujin almost plummeted to the ground and Lia wasn't able to hold her as steady. However, Yeji dashed to her other side fast enough to prevent her from meeting the concrete. When Yeji insisted she should make sure they (Ryujin) got home safely, Lia wasn't in the position to argue, and Ryujin was obviously far too intoxicated to protest.

The rest of the night unwind fast. Slumber enveloped her once she was tucked under Yeji's chin, in the backseat, the latter's arm warm around her as Lia sped past the streetlights. When she regained consciousness, she was cold and in her own bedroom. Then thought she must be dreaming for Yeji was kneeling beside her bed with an expression Ryujin hadn't quite decipher.

She wished she had been bolder as she was as of the moment, taking Yeji's familiar yet unfamiliar hand into her own and asking her to, "Stay,"

"Stay," She repeated a slight firmer.

Yeji shifted, meeting Ryujin's impetuous gaze and it was enough to carve a sad smile. "Is that what it takes to make you stop?"

"You'll never know if you never try,"

There was a brief silence. Deafening. Yeji's eyes downcast over their clasped hands. "I guess I'll never know,"

Ryujin kept her vision closed afterwards, afraid tears would overflow them once she studied the other's face.

"Yeji," The name used to be sweet, saccharine, on her tongue. Now it was more bitter than the aftertaste of alcohol, distant and heart-rending, suitable for the question she was about to ask. "Am I easy to leave?"

"Not at all," Yeji let out a dry chuckle. "I still reach for you in my sleep sometimes, maybe it's the pain I'll never get to escape."

"But I don't know if I want to stay, It hurts even more seeing you like this."

It doesn't matter how much love they have for each other, together wasn't their sanctuary anymore. For what it used to be their safest place, it is now splintered, there's only room for more pain. Ryujin breathed shakily, and cradled the bits of Yeji she could never get back.

"What do you want me to do?"

"I want you— to be fine without me," Yeji inhaled sharply as she fumbled with the younger's fingers. "I know it seems like much, what I'm asking for is not easy and well, nothing has been easy for us in a long time but— I want to see _you._ The down to earth, most caring, intelligent, and hard working Ryujin. The Ryujin who lives life to the fullest. Be well, live well, I want you to do that."

"Are you?" She asked instead. "Fine without me?"

"No," The other answered truthfully. "But I'm trying."

 _Be well. Live well._ Ryujin wondered how that felt like without Yeji by her side. 

"I should leave, the sun's up. You should go back to sleep."

"Again?" Was her weak reply, heart dropping into a never ending pit. She heard a wretched sob echoed surround these four walls, then a pair of wet lips on her forehead. They pressed on her skin strongly and they lingered, relishing every unspoken word and longing as hot tears glided down her forehead.

Ryujin felt Yeji's lips retreat, murmuring a faltered apology. In a slowly, but surely breaking relationship, a bunch of meaningless sorry's were often thrown at times over wrath, over tears. A sincere apology was even rarer.

This— This was rare.

She didn't dare to open her eyes and watch Yeji leave because she couldn't bear a second time— she didn't need another nightmare. Instead she waited. She waited until Yeji's presence diminished from her room, she waited enough until Yeji departed from her flat, until it was once again herself and the lonely moon.

Lia came in a few moments later, perched on the edge of the bed with a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I'll do it, I'll work with Chaeryeong." She told her best friend.

It was a matter of time she stopped causing Yeji so much pain.

⁎⁺˳✧༚

The song lasts three minutes, and she has more than a year of her life mapped out.

It takes her a minute to be aware of where's at. It takes her another two to be aware that her segment has ended. The young DJ on the other side of the room, known as Yuna, looks at her with a bright smile and two thumbs up, signaling she's good to go.

Therefore, she exits the studio with remnants of the life she had lost in the palm of her hands. And as she drives in the dead of the night, the fuzziness in her head doesn't seem to dissipate. Ryujin knows exactly why now— she's missing someone. It's been five months since their last closure, since she last saw Yeji. She doesn't think she'll ever stop missing the latter.

Ryujin doesn't let it get through her head though, like how she's put it to be for awhile now. She ignores every tingle, every burn, every languid pain, every lingering touches in moments of longing. Ryujin's learned to ignore so much that when she gets home and jumps on her bed, she misses the silent chime of her notification.

 ** _Yeddeong <3_**  
 _i miss you and i'm sorry too_  


**Author's Note:**

> twitter: @scrudeul  
> curiouscat: scrudeul
> 
> rant/questions/send me ideas idk?? feel free :)


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